Jillian was her name
She was sweeter than aspartame

Her kisses reconfigured my DNA
And after that I never was the same


And I loved her even more
Than Marlon Brando loved souffle
She was gorgeous, she was charming

Yeah, she was perfect in every way

Except she was always using the word "infer"

When she obviously meant "imply"
And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing
But frankly, I can't imagine why


And I told her, I said
"Hey! Are we playing horseshoes, honey?

No, I don't think we are!
You're close! (Close!)
But no cigar!"


Then I met sweet young Janet
Prettiest thing on the planet

Had a body hotter than a habanjero
She had lips like a ripe pomegranate


And I was crazy like Manson about her
She got me all choked up like Momma Cass
She had a smile so incredibly radiant

You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass

I thought after all these years of searching around

I'd found my soulmate finally
But one day I found OUT she actually owned a copy
Of Joe Dirt on DVD


Oh, no! I said
"Hey! Are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo?

No I don't think we are!
You're close! (Close!)
Oh, so very close! (Close!)

Yeah, baby, you're close! (Close!)
So close!
But no cigar!"


(Oh, yeah!)
(Oh, no!)

(Oh, yeah!)
(Oh, no!)
(Oh, yeah!)

(Oh, no!)
(ALL RIGHT!)


[Hand claps, trumpet solo]

Julie played water polo

She wore a ribbon on her left manolo
She had me sweating like Nixon every time she was near
My heart was beating like a Buddy Rif solo


And she was everything I've dreamed of
She moved right up to #1 on my list

And did I mention she's a world famous billionare
Bikini supermodel astrophysicist


Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron
Look like a big fat slobbering pig
The only caveat is one of her earlobes

Was just a little tiny bit too big

I said

"Hey! Are we doing government work here?
No I don't think we are!
You're close! (Close!)

So very, very close! (Close!)
Aaw, baby, you're close! (Close!)
So close!
But no cigar!"


Missed it by that much! (No cigar!)
Ah, yeah! Ah, right! (No cigar!)
Really, really, really close! (No cigar!)
But no cigar!