10 to 2 AM, X, Yogi DMT, and a box of Krispy Kremes,
in my need to know pose,
just outside of Area 51

Contemplating the whole "chosen people" thingy
when a flaming stealth banana split the sky
like one would hope but never really expect

to see in a place like this.
Cutting right angle donuts on a dime
and stopping right at my Birkenstocks,

and me yelping.
Holy $#&@ing %#@!!


Then the X-Files being,
Looking like some kind of blue-green Jackie Chan
with Isabella Rossellini lips, and breath that reeked of

vanilla Chig Champa
Did a slow-mo Matrix descent
Outta the butt end of the banana vessel

And hovered above my bug-eyes, my gaping jaw,
and my sweaty L. Ron Hubbard upper lip,
and all I could think was:

I hope Uncle Martin here doesn't notice
that I pissed my $#&@in' pants.


So light in his way,
Like an apparition, that
He had me crying out,

"$#&@ me
It's gotta be
the Deadhead Chemistry

The blotter got right on top of me
Got me seein' E-mother$#&@in'-T!"


And after calming me down
with some orange slices
and some fetal spooning,

E.T. revealed to me his singular purpose.
He said, You are the Chosen One,
the One who will deliver the message.

A message of hope for those who choose to hear it
and a warning for those who do not.
Me.

The Chosen One?
They chose me!
And I didn't even graduate from $#&@in' high school.


You'd better.
You'd better.

You'd better.
You'd better listen.


Then he looked right through me
With somniferous almond eyes
Don't even know what that means

Must remember to write it down
This is so real
Like the time Dave floated away

See, my heart is pounding
'Cause this %#@! never happens to me


I can't breathe right now!

It was so real,

Like I woke up in Wonderland.
All sorta terrifying
I don't wanna be all alone

While I tell this story.
And can anyone tell me why
Y'all sound like Peanuts parents?

Will I ever be coming down?
This is so real
Finally, it's my lucky day

See, my heart is racing
'Cause this %#@! never happens to me


I can't breathe right now!

You believe me, don't you?
Please believe what I've just said!
See the Dead ain't touring

And this wasn't all in my head.
See, they took me by the hand
And invited me right in.
Then they showed me something
I don't even know where to begin.


Strapped down to my bed
Feet cold and eyes red
I'm out of my head
Am I alive? Am I dead?

Can't remember what they said
God damn, %#@! the bed.

Overwhelmed as one would be, placed in my position.
Such a heavy burden now to be the One

Born to bear and bring to all the details of our ending,
To write it down for all the world to see.

But I forgot my pen
%#@! the bed again .
Typical.


Strapped down [to] my bed
Feet cold and eyes red
I'm out of my head
Am I alive? Am I dead?
Sunkist * and Sudafed
Gyroscopes and infrared

Won't help, I'm brain dead
Can't remember what they said
God damn, %#@! the bed

I can't remember what they said to me
Can't remember what they said to make me out to be the hero
Can't remember what they said

Bob help me!
Can't remember what they said

We don't know,
and we won't know
We don't know,
and we won't know

We don't know,
and we won't know
We don't know,
and we won't know
We don't know,
and we won't know
We don't know,

and we won't know
We don't know,
and we won't know
We don't know,
and we won't know
We don't know,
and we won't know


God damn, %#@! the bed!