Hey honey have you gained some weight in your rear-end?
That dress you wear reminds me of my old girlfriend
And where'd you get those shoes? I think they're pretty lame

Would you stop talking 'cause I'm trying to watch the game

If you're a man who wants to live a long and happy life

These are the things you don't say to your wife

I planned a hunting trip next week on your birthday

I didn't ask you 'cause I knew it'd be OK
Go make some dinner while I watch this fishing show
I taped it over our old wedding video


If you're a man who wants to live a long and happy life
These are the things you don't say to your wife


Your cooking is OK but not like mother makes
The diamond in the ring I bought you is a fake

Your eyes look puffy dear, are you feeling ill?
Happy anniversary I bought you a treadmill


If you're a man who wants to live a long and happy life
These are the things you don't say to your wife
If your a man who doesn't want to get killed with a knife

These are the things you don't say to your wife