Immediately following the
Innocence of childhood
And the freedom of bachelorhood

Comes that incredible creature
Known as a wife


Wives come in $$#orted colors
That vary from day to day
Platinum blonde, red, ash blonde

Brunnette, henna, auburn and camel brown
According to a recent thirty day survey
By the way, more doctors are switching

To camel-haired women than ever before

All wives have one creed in common

To spend every nickel of every dime
Of every dollar of every pay check
Before you get it, in this respect

They're very much like the government

Wives are found everywhere

In reducing saloons, bridge parties
Saks Fifth Avenue, beauty parlors
Bargain ba!@&(ts, in your hair

On your lap, in mud packs, maternity rooms
And going through your pockets


Mothers love them, mothers-in-law tolerate them
Spinsters envy them and husbands fear them
A wife is a purity with cold cream on her face

Dignity with a dish mop in her hands
Beauty with curlers in her hair and
Wisdom with an unbalanced checkbook


No matter how busy you are
Your wife'll keep you on the phone til

She gets that new dress she saw downtown
But when you want to show her off
She hasn't a thing to wear


A wife is a composite of many things
The curiosity of an income tax collector

The suspicion of a detective
The imagination of a psycho-!@#^yst
And the temper of a marine first-sergeant


She likes charge accounts, babies
Soap operas, diets, all kinds of presents

Gossip, a 21-inch waistline, mink coats
Sleeping late, eating out and other men


She hates corsets, ironing, being over thirty
Husbands who use guest towels, budgets
Cigars, The Jones' Cadillac

Her husband's secretary and other women

Nobody can get as happy on

One glass of champagne or be
So late to so many appointments
Nobody could spend as much time

Tweezing, plucking, vibrating
Combing, brushing, polishing
Rubbing on, rubbing off

Touching up and still come out looking
Pretty much the same as she did before


Nobody can be so illogical
Cry so conveniently, interrupt so frequently
Or louse up the punch line

Of a good story so often

And nobody else can cram

Into one small pocketbook
Four lipsticks, last years expired license
Ten handkercheifs, two lumps of

Wrapped sugar, hairpins, an extra
Pair of nylons, keys to the trunk
In the attic, two compacts
A raffle ticket for a turkey and enough
Perfume to keep her going for eight years


A wife is a magical creature
She can make more things disappear
Just when you need them
She's your warden, your overseer

Your treasurer, your probation officer
And your wife

And when you come home at night
Tired from a rough day at the office

Longing for your slippers
And a warm fire

There's nothing in the world like
A wife to greet you at the door

With three little words
Where's the money