Mom got drunk and Dad got drunk at our Christmas party
We were drinking champagne punch and homemade eggnog
Little sister brought her new boyfriend

He was a Mexican
We didn't know what to think of him until he sang
Felis Navidad, Felis Navidad


Brother Ken brought his kids with him
The three from his first wife Lynn

And the two identical twins from his second wife Mary Nell
Of course he brought his new wife Kay
Who talks all about AA

Chain smoking while the stereo plays Noel, Noel
The First Noel


Carve the Turkey
Turn the ball game on
Mix margaritas when the eggnog's gone

Send somebody to the Quickpak Store
We need some ice and an extension chord
A can of bean dip and some Diet Rites

A box of tampons, Marlboro Lights
Haleluja everybody say Cheese
Merry Christmas from the family


Fred and Rita drove from Harlingen
I can't remember how I'm kin to them

But when they tried to plug their motor home in
They blew our Christmas lights
Cousin David knew just what went wrong

So we all waited out on our front lawn
He threw a breaker and the lights came on
And we sang Silent Night, Oh Silent Night, Oh Holy Night


Carve the turkey turn the ball game on
Make Bloody Mary's

Cause We All Want One!
Send somebody to the Stop 'N Go
We need some celery and a can of fake snow

A bag of lemons and some Diet Sprites
A box of tampons, some Salem Lights
Haleluja, everybody say cheese

Merry Christmas from the Family