My band of soaks, my den of dissolute's
My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts

My sons of !@^%s spend there lives in my inn,
Homing pigeons homing in


They fly through my doors,
And they crawl out on all fours


Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down
And meet the best innkeeper in town
As for the rest, all of 'em crooks:

Rooking their guests and crooking the books
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me

A gent of good intent
Who's content to be


Master of the house, doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir

Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favor
Doesn't cost me to be nice

But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price!


Master of the house, keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
Watering the wine, making up the weight

Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody's bosom friend

I do whatever pleases
Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!


Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Servant to the poor, butler to the great

Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!
Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone

But lock up your valises
Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!


Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat

Filling up the sausages with this and that
Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied

Reasonable charges
Plus some little extras on the side!
(Oh Santa!)


Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice

Here a little slice, there a little cut
Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices

There are a lot of tricks I knows
How it all increases, all them bits and pieces
Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!


(Oh, sorry love
Let's get something done about that)

I used to dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?


Master of the house? Isn't worth my spit!
Comforter, philosopher' and lifelong %#@!!
Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire

Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted living with this !@$( in the house!


Master of the house!
Master and a half!
Comforter, philosopher
Don't make me laugh!

Servant to the poor, butler to the great
Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!

Everybody bless the landlord!
Everybody bless his spouse!


Everybody raise a glass
Raise it up the master's arse
Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!