When I woke up this morning, things were lookin' bad
Seem like total silence was the only friend I had
Bowl of oatmeal tried to stare me down... and won

And it was twelve o'clock before I realized
That I was havin' ... no fun


Chorus:
But fortunately I have the key to escape reality
And you may see me tonight with an illegal smile

It don't cost very much, but it lasts a long while
Won't you please tell the man I didn't kill anyone
No I'm just tryin' to have me some fun


Last time I checked my bankroll,
It was gettin' thin

Sometimes it seems like the bottom
Is the only place I've been
I Chased a rainbow down a one-way street... dead end

And all my friends turned out to be insurance salesmen

Repeat Chorus:


Well, I sat down in my closet with all my overalls
Tryin' to get away

From all the ears inside my walls
I dreamed the police heard
Everything I thought... what then?

Well I went to court
And the judge's name was Hoffman


Ah but fortunately I have the key to escape reality
And you may see me tonight with an illegal smile
It don't cost very much, but it lasts a long while

Won't you please tell the man I didn't kill anyone
No I'm just tryin' to have me some fun
Well done, hot dog bun, my sister's a nun


*note: On the 1997 LIVE ON TOUR Prine ends the song with:
"Well done, son of a gun,

hot dog bun,
Attilla the Hun,
my sister-in-law is an Irish nun".