My mother said
that I never should
never play with the naughty rude girls in the wood

Their giggling talk I could never understood
And thats why I fell in love with my right hand


(Chorus)
And thats why
I'm a wanker

I'm a wanker
And does it good like it bloody well should
I'm a wanker

I'm a wanker
And im always pulling my pudd


I was 25 years old
before I was kissed
and then I found the guy prefered

a swift one off the wrist
Its cheap and convenient
and you cant catch VD

Its avalible at anytime and its absolutly free

(Chorus)

And thats why
I'm a wanker
I'm a wanker

And it does me good like it bloody well should
I'm wanker
I'm a wanker

and im always pulling my pudd

Oh Mrs Palm

and your 5 lovely daughters
Thank you for having me
and being oh so kind

I've got pains in my arms
and my donkeys growing shorter
My knees have turnt to water

And I think im going blind

I've wanked over Italy

I've wanked over Spain
I've wanked in an omibus
I've even had a wank in a train


I've used a badger
and a lemon

and a cat
a inflatable Linda Lovelace
and a David Crocket hat


(Chorus)
And thats why

I'm a wanker
I'm a wanker
and it does me good like it bloody well should

I'm a wanker
I'm a wanker
and im always pulling my pudd


Oh Mrs Palm
and your 5 lovely daughters

Thank you for having me
and being oh so kind
I've pains in my arms

and my donkeys growing shorter
My knees have turnt to water
And I think im going blind