A mathematician from Scunthorpe
Discovered the weight of his ball
Plus his scr*tum times three

Was approximately
Two thirds of four fifths of f*ck all


A nineteen year old nymphomaniac
Wore a bog-paper dress to a ball
But it started tearing

She ended up wearing
Two thirds of four fifths of f*ck all


With premature ej*culation
It seems my endurance is small
From the time of inserting

To the moment of squirting
Two thirds of four fifths of f*ck all


I was seized with a stiff constipation
I crouched in a lavatory stall
I thundered and pumped

But finally dumped
Two thirds of four fifths of f*ck all


It's a big c*ck, a big c*ck
A big c*ck and bull story
Here comes the interesting bit

The parts that are true
Near enough add up to
Just about half the square root of jack sh*t


My p*nis is small like an acorn
Sometimes I can't find it at all

It's infinitesimal
Or expressed in decimal
Point five of point three of f*ck all


An ancient Egyptian urinal
Has the meaning of life on the wall

In plain simple words
It's written in t*rds
Two thirds of four fifths of f*ck all


Now that is the end of my chanson
And if for an encore you call

Well b*llocks you tw*t
The chances of that are
Two thirds of four fifths of f*ck all


"'Ere Mr. Recording Engineer, what's the chances of
this song becoming a number one hit?"

"About two thirds of four fifths of practically
nothing"


Unused verse, deservedly cut from the released version
There's a harlot with p*x, clap and h*rpes
You can smell her from here to Bengal

She's got syph and colitis
And that's why her price is
Two thirds of four fifths of f*ck all