We roll into the bar 'cause that's how we do
Garfunkel, Oates and the rest of the crew
Give a dollar to my homegirl and watch that (*##$ go, she

Hits up the juke box and puts on Jim Croce

Operator, can you help me make this call?


We're laughing and talking and the drinks are flowing
And I'm liking the direction this night is going

But then I look up and something has changed
Everyone around us looks $#&@ing deranged


I look to my left, I look to my right
Nothing but Von Dutch hats in sight
With supertight abs and supertan skin

I swear this ain't the club that I walked in

Then the techno music starts to play

And the room smells like Axe body spray
I'm like Golda Mier with no gold in my ear
Please tell me what the hell happened here


Yo, it ain't pretty but you know it's the truth
This party just took a turn for the douche


For the douche, for the douche
For the mother$#&@in' douche

Thought it was a perfect party
Now it's just a lot of Ed Hardy
This party just took a turn for the douche


I guess I can't beat em so I'm gonna join 'em
Need some douche phrases and I'm gonna coin 'em

Put my Bluetooth in and I'm on my way
Gonna be a mother$#&@in' douchebag today


Gonna groom my beard like a bonsai tree
Wax off my chest like Mr. Miyagi
Get a Chinese tat, don't know what it means

But it makes me look deep to girls in their teens

Don't need sleeves on my shirt, just rip 'em off

And leave 'em exposed like Bernie Madoff
Fake tan so brown you can call me foxy
Gonna pop my collar like Limbaugh pops oxy


Got more chains than Mr. T
Ad I pity the $#&@wad who messes with me

'Cause I'm doin roids 'til my balls get teeny
Like Dennis Quaid in Innerspace up inside the weenie


Gettin crunk on brewskis with my broskis
I'm cooler than Ice Cube wearing snow skis
Sweeter than the life of Zach and Cody

Higher than the voice of Truman Capote

Yeah, I'll drop a G for that bottle of Goose

This party just took a turn for the douche

For the douche, for the douche

For the mother$#&@in' douche
Thought it was a perfect party
Now it's just a lot of Ed Hardy

This party just took a turn for the douche

We're an army in the night like Norman Mailer

And it's time to be a tool like my name is Tim Taylor
I'm a VIP 'cause my table said so
I'ma use some roofies 'cause the !@$# said no


I like my hair like I like my girl's drink
Spiked as $#&@


Did my last keg stand like General Custer
And I'm $$#essing the damage like a claims adjuster

I ain't your Daddy but I'll call you son
Yeah, I get metaphysical like $#&@ing John Donne

I'm holding up the beats like I was Lloyd Dobbler
Girls are on the dance floor shakin' their cobbler

I'm cool like LL, fly like Jeff Goldblum
I'm gonna find the biggest ho in this room

Girl's wax is Brazilian, her manicure's French
Jean Nate is her signature stench

She got rocks on her fingers and beneath her areolas
Her garden's more savage than ch-ch-cherry colas

Her heels are as clear as my intentions to bang her
Hope she's birth controlled like Margaret Sanger

Gonna Boner Stabbone her, Mike Seaver her Beaver
Take her gold for cash then mother$#&@in' leave her

I ain't in love with you, cousin, I ain't George Michael Bluth
This party just took a turn for the douche


For the douche, for the douche
For the mother$#&@in' douche
Thought it was a perfect party
Now it's just a lot of Ed Hardy
This party just took a turn for the douche (x2)