The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Is finding a Christmas tree
The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:

Angry husband:
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Man getting over being drunk:
Hangovers

Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree
The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me

Exhausted man:
Sending Christmas cards
Hangovers

Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree
The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me

Five months of bills!
Sending Christmas cards
Hangovers

Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree
The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:

Nervous wife:
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!

Oh, I hate those Christmas cards!
Hangovers
Rigging up these lights!

And finding a Christmas tree
The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Nervous wife's husband:

The Salvation Army
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!

Sending Christmas cards
Oh, geez!
I'm tryin' to rig up these lights!

And finding a Christmas tree
The eighth thing at Christmas that such a pain to me:
Whining kid:

I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!
Charities,
And whataya mean "YOUR in-laws"?!?

Five months of bills!
Oh, making out these cards
Honey, get me a beer, huh?

What, we have no extension cords?!?
And finding a Christmas tree
The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me

A tired father:
Finding parking spaces
Whining kid:

DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!!!
Donations,
Facing my in-laws,

Five months of bills
Writing out those Christmas cards
Hangovers

Now why the hell are they blinking?!?
And finding a Christmas tree
The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me

Batteries not included
No parking spaces
Whining kid:

Buy me somethin'!
Get a job you bum!
Facing my in-laws

Five months of bills
Yo Ho, sending Christmas cards
Oh geez look at this!

One light goes out, they all go out!
And finding a Christmas tree
The eleventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me

Stale TV specials
Batteries not included
No parking spaces
Whining kid:
Mom I gotta go to the bathroom!

Charities
She's a witch, I hate her!
Five months of bills
Oh, I don't even know half these people!
Who's got the toilet paper?

Get a flashlight I blew a fuse!
And finding a Christmas tree
The twelfth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Singing Christmas carols
Stale TV specials,

Batteries not included
No parking
Whining kid:
Waaaaaaaaaaah!
Charities

Gotta make 'em dinner
Five months of bills
I'm not sending them this year, that's it!
Shut up, you!
Fine! You're so smart, you rig up the lights!
And finding a Christmas tree