If I have a date and I think I'm gonna mount her,
I go to the drugstore and head to the counter.
I get what I need and I put it in my wallet.

It's the same old thing no matter what you call it.

A condom,

A scrote coat,
A manhole cover,
A pork cork,

A clam dam,
A plain ol' rubber,
A head shed,

A knob swab,
A third leg stocking.


It's all the same when your bed starts rockin'. Oh my.

If you wanna meet me for a little tryst,

Put a Coney Island white fish on your shoppin' list.
Slip it on when you're getting hot.
Then no one has to sleep on the gooey spot.


Get a gent tent,
A carp tarp,

A halt leg trouser,
A wood hood,
A clap cap,

A doogie houser,
A wank tank,
A root boot,

A prophylactic.

It'll look real slick in a johnson jacket.

Wrap that rascal up in a salami sling.

When you hit the sack,

You're ready, Jack,
To do the nasty thing.


Put on a jock sock,
A beav sleeve,
A canyon coaster,

A ball shawl,
A spunk trunk,
A love gun holster,

A meat sheet,
A goose noose,
A rod partition.


Do the math. There's no new addition.


I met a young lady in a single's bar.
Pretty soon we're getting naked in my car.
Now she tells me I'm gonna be a dad.

I could kick myself 'cause I wish I had on

A muff moat,

A stilt kilt,
A large load stopper,
A boom balloon,

Or a totem pole topper,
A wad pod,
A wet suit,

A gonad girdle.

Cause you never know when she might be fertile.

Neutralize your schlong with a dong sarong.
When you're in bed, use a tickler head
And she'll think you're King Kong.


Wear a love glove,
A squirt shirt,

A gland end gorda,
A bone beret,
A flesh fedora.


Put one on every time you make it
And hope to God that you don't break it!