You could hear the hoof beats pound
As they raced across the ground

And the clatter of the wheels
As they spun round and round
And he galloped into Market Street

His badge upon his chest
His name was Ernie
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west

Now Ernie loved a widow
A lady known as Sue
She lived all alone in Linley Lane

At number twenty two
They said she was too good for him
She was haughty proud and chic

But Ernie got his cocoa there
Three times every week
They called him Ernie (Ernie)

And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west
She said she'd like to bathe in milk
He said alright sweetheart

And when he finished work one night
He loaded up the cart
He said you wanted pasturised

Coz pasturised is best
She says Ernie I'll be happy
If it comes up to me chest

And that tickled old Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west
Now Ernie had a rival

An evil looking man
Called Two Ton Ted from Teddington
And he drove the baker's van

He tempted her with his treacle tarts
And his tasty wholemeal bread
And when she saw the size

Of his hot meat pies
It very near turned her head
She nearly swooned at his macaroon

And he said now if you treat me right
You'll have hot rolls evry morning
And crumpets every night

He knew once she'd sampled his layer cake
He'd have his wicked way
And all Ernie had to offer

Was a pint of milk a day
Poor Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west

One lunchtime Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door
It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four
And as he leaped down from of


Hot blood through his veins did course
And he went across to Ernie's cart

And he didnarf kick his horse
Who's name was Trigger (Trigger)
And he pulled the fastest milkcart in the west

Now Ernie rushed out into the street
His goldtop in his hand
He said if you want to marry Susie

You'll fight for her like a man
Oh why don't we play cards for her
He sneeringly replied

And just to make it interesting
We'll have a shilling on the side
Now Ernie dragged him from his van

And beneath the blazing sun
They stood there face to face
And Ted went for his bun

But Ernie was to quick
Things didn't go the way Ted planned
And a strawberry flavoured youghurt

Sent it spinning from his hand
Now Sue she ran between them
And tried to keep them apart

And Ernie pushed her aside
And a rock cake caught him underneath his heart
And he looked up in pained surprise
As the concrete hardened crust
Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye

And Ernie bit the dust
Poor Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west
Ernie was only fifty-two he didn't want to die
Now he's gone to make deliveries

In that milkround in the sky
Where the customers are angels
And ferocious dogs are banned
And a milkman's life is full of fun
In that fairy dairy land

But a woman's needs are many fold
And Sue she married Ted
But strange things happened on their wedding night
As they lay in their bed
Was that the trees a rustling

Or the hinges of the gate
Or Ernie's ghostly goldtop a rattling in their crate
They won't forget Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west