She told me I'm a lot like a late night talk show
You wait long enough all's revealed, and then it's gone
Coffee keeps me alive on my late night talk show

Then I change as I leave the live studio
And everybody knows that casualness causes casualties
You wouldn't guess that it's mostly my fault

And every show sucks as a result of me
You've now seen all the possibilities
My pathetic friend

It's been a tough week on the late night talk show
I just can't afford what I need to know
Gotta get away from the late night talk show

Gotta drive as far as the car will go
And everybody knows that casualness causes casualties
You wouldn't guess that it's mostly my fault

And every show sucks as a result of me
You've now met both my personalities
My pathetic friend

Attack the viewers
God knows they've seen it all before
Just keep your mouth shut

God knows I've heard it all before
Will you be a guest on my late night talk show
Just relax and I'll give you the third degree

Do you want a job on my late night talk show
You can be the director and $#&@ with me
And everybody knows that casualness causes casualties

You wouldn't guess that it's mostly my fault
And every show sucks as a result of me
You've now met both my personalities

My pathetic friend
My pathetic friend
Is me, is me

My pathetic friend
Is me, is me