Aquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus

Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Pisces

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say


Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep


Taurus
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?

The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today


Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence

Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

Cancer

The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test


Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik


Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you

Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today


Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have

a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my $$#urance that these forcasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have

to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of the is absolutely true.

Where was I?


Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you

Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio

Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak


Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den


Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying

If I were you, I's lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today


That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)
That's your horoscope for today