Look
If you had

One shot
To sit on your lazy butt
And watch all the TV you ever wanted

Until your brain turned to mush
Would you go for it?
Or just let it slip?

Yo

Remote is ready

Eyes wide, palms are sweaty
There's Flintstones on the TV already
Wilma 'n' Betty

No virgin to channel surfin'
And I'm HD-ready
So I flip

Garbage is all I'm getting

There's Simon Cowell

Who folks wanna disembowel
He opens his mouth
Always says something foul

They're dyin', wow
Wannabes are crying now
He votes them out

Time to throw in the towel

Shows based on reality

Oh, the humanity!
Oh, Ozzy's family
Sho' loves profanity

Whoa, the insanity
Oh, dogs that crap and pee
Home of depravity?

No, they live happily
Yo


Plus "Da Ali G Show"
And "Celebrity Mole"
Oh, and there's Anna Nicole

Well, she's scaring me

"Look ma, no cavities"

Oh, it's a station break
Better go out to the kitchen and microwave something


"You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV" They told me, they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in every show (show)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO

The Travel Channel, Discovery, and Lifetime (yo)

"You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV"

They told me, cajoled me, "Turn off those music videos" (no)
I'm gonna watch C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The History Channel and QVC and Lifetime (yo)

(You're gonna)

My butt is aching

As I watch NASCAR racing
That show about undertaking
Larry King

To "24" to "Law And Order"
The Weather Channel's boring like "60 Minutes"'s ancient reporters
Next up on "E! True Hollywood Story"

The rise and decline of twelve actors named Corey

Shows for next fall, they've already been namin'

"CSI: Boise" and "Touched By An Uncle" both sound pretty lame 'n'
So does "Everybody Tolerates Raymond"
And "King of Queens" jumped the shark the first minute

I can't believe Richard Simmons ain't in it

I'll move right on to "8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenaged Daughter"

Then I bet
I watch "The Bachelorette"
Followed by "Welcome Back, Kotter"
And "The Muppet Show" where they go 'Mahna Mahna'


"You're gonna lose your mind watching TV"
They told me, they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in every show (show)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Disney Channel and A&E and Lifetime (yo)


"You're gonna lose your mind watching TV"
They told me, cajoled me
But I still love Lisa Kudrow (drow)
I'm looking at C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO

The Playboy Channel and Court TV and Lifetime (yo)
(You're Gonna)

Never missed "Melrose Place" or "Lost In Space"
I've seen each "Amazing Race" and "Without A Trace"

But I only watched "Will And Grace" one time one day
Wish I hadn't 'cause TiVo now thinks I'm gay

Oh, and "Fear Factor" I watched maybe a half hour
After that, felt like I needed a long shower
Network execs with naked ambitions

"Next week on FOX, watch lions eat Christians"

Like to tie up those programming planners
Make 'em watch all of that junk 'til their heads explode just like "Scanners"
Leech-covered grub-eatin' fools on "Survivor"
Look there's James Lipton discussing the oeuvre of Mr. Rob Schneider


And there's "Gilligan" and "SpongeBob", plus there's "MacGyver"
And Jay Leno has got Madonna, hey there's Luke Perry on a
Special all Pig-Latin episode of "Drew Carey"

Wanna turn on "E.T." 'cause I'm a gossip freak
And I gotta know who J. Lo is marryin' this week
A 30 second spot

Then we come back to "Are You Hot?"
I was planning on recording "The Sopranos"
I forgot

I love shows with or without a plot
I'll stare 'til my legs are numb, my eyes bloodshot
Because I only have got

One brain to rot
I'm gonna spend my life watching television a lot

"You're gonna lose your mind watching TV"
They told me, they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in every show (show)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO

The Sci-Fi Channel and AMC and Lifetime (yo)

"You're gonna lose your mind watching TV"
They told me, cajoled me, "Turn off that Oprah Winfrey show" (no)
I got it on C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Learning Channel and MTV and Lifetime (yo)
(You're gonna)


You can watch anything you want to, man