I'd like to say a few words
In defense of our country
Whose people aren't bad nor are they mean

Now the leaders we have
While they're the worst that we've had
Are hardly the worst this poor world has seen


Let's turn history's pages, shall we?


Take the Caesars for example
Why within the first few of them
They were sleeping with their sister

Stashing little boys in swimming pools
And burning down the City
And one of 'em, one of 'em

Appointed his own horse Consul of the Empire
That's like vice president or something


That's not a very good example, is it?

But wait, here's one, the Spanish Inquisition

They put people in a terrible position
I don't even like to think about it


Well, sometimes I like to think about it

Just a few words in defense of our country

Whose time at the top
Could be coming to an end
Now we don't want their love

And respect at this point
Is pretty much out of the question
But in times like these

We sure could use a friend

Hitler. Stalin.

Men who need no introduction

King Leopold of Belgium. That's right.

Everyone thinks he's so great
Well he owned The Congo
He tore it up too

He took the diamonds, he took the gold
He took the silver
Know what he left them with?


Malaria


A President once said,
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself"
Now it seems like we're supposed to be afraid

It's patriotic in fact and color coded
And what are we supposed to be afraid of?
Why, of being afraid

That's what terror means, doesn't it?
That's what it used to mean


[To the first eight bars of
"Columbia The Gem Of The Ocean"]


You know it pisses me off a little
That this Supreme Court is gonna outlive me
A couple of young Italian fellas

And a brother on the Court now too
But I defy you, anywhere in the world
To find me two Italians as tightass

As the two Italians we got

And as for the brother

Well, Pluto's not a planet anymore either

The end of an empire is messy at best

And this empire is ending
Like all the rest
Like the Spanish Armada adrift on the sea

We're adrift in the land of the brave
And the home of the free

Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.