ZAYN
Oh I'm just tryin' to make it to the beauty
salon

Get out of my way I gotta get my nails done
Gonna get my eye brows threaded then
then I'll get

a funky skunky stripe put on my head

HARRY

Oh Peeka-peeka-boo where did I come from?
Looks like he gave birth to me from his skunk bum


LIAM
Hey fellas could you stop the bike up at the light
l think I'm feelin' motorcycle sick


DIRECTOR
You're not as cute

as these other two.
So let's just move you there
Now mince about, and act as though you're having fun


NIALL
He only gives us one

di rec tion

DIRECTOR

Now run from the waaaaaaaaaaaave.

ZAYN

I need more Hair Spraaaaaaaaay

LIAM

This wanker is a
sad old man


LOUIS
He's got us dressed like
old man bands


1D
Can we take a breaaaaaaaak


DIRECTOR
No bloody waaaaaay

Now put on your swimsuits

Spoken:

LIAM
Aw C'mon. We're quite pasty.
NIALL

We've yet to develop muscles

ZAYN

Oooh This one director won't ever let us leave

DIRECTOR

You can leave as soon as you hit puberty

ZAYN

Come on mate, its cold in here look over here
Harry's crying frozen tears.


LIAM
He's dead


NIALL
Well they tell us we're like Elvis back when he was a kid
I hope we don't die on the toilet like he did

Someone let me off the ride, I'm dying inside

DIRECTOR

This is the worlds smallest violin
Lets have you twoooo
Remove those sailor suits

and dress like prostitutes, yeah.





ZAYN
The saddest part is we're not getting
paid that much

LIAM

They never even buy us lunch
and that's not faaaaaaaaair

ZAYN
How is my HAAAAAIR?


DIRECTOR
Now put on these $$#less chaps
I bought them at the $$#less Gap
Let's do 50 Shaaaaaaades

of Graaaaay
and let him hit you
Here's a tissue
I just tricked you
I made you sniff glue
Now let me fist you

Ha ha ha ha I'm just kidding
Just checking if you were listening
Let's go hillbiilly hand fishing

Now lets do the ending from Broke
Back Mountain


HARRY
I think I'm starting to have fun

DIRECTOR
Try to make him staaaaay
and that's when you say


HARRY AND LOUIS
I wish I could quit you.