I had a large explosive sh*t
Down by the riverside
It spread both far and wide

It filled my heart with pride
I sh*t 'til my a*se'ole split
Down by the riverside

The fish and the tadpoles died

And I ain't a-gonna swim in there no more

Ain't a-gonna swim in there no more
'Cause it don't smell the way it did before
It smells like a badger's b*m

It smells just like Birmingham
Or maybe an Egyptian sh*t-house door


I wiped my a*se with leaves and grass
Down by the riverside
Up 'n' down and side to side

All along the great divide
The effluent set like cement
And though I tried and tried

My r*ctum could not be rectified

And I ain't a-gonna swim in there no more

Naked women there no more
And it don't smell the way it smelt before
It smells like a badger's b*m

It smells just like Rotherham
Or maybe an Egyptian sh*t-house door


I fed my t*rds to aquatic birds
Down by the riverside
They could not quite decide

If they were cyanide
The ducks went quack and flung 'em back
And 'though I tried to hide

I ended up t*rdified

I ain't a-gonna swim in there no more

It's up to the brim in there I'm sure
And it don't smell the way it smelt before
It smells like a badger's b*m

It smells just like Wimbledon
Or maybe an Egyptian %#@!-house door


My massive dump made one big clump
Down by the riverside
It drifted with the tide

"Ahoy!" a sailor cried
"Would that be sh*te or the Isle Of Wight
I see on my port side?"

Down by the riverside

And we ain't a-gonna swim in there no more

By that sh*tty shingle shore
'Cause it don't smell the way it did before
It smells like a badger's b*m

It smells just like Birmingham
Or maybe an Egyptian sh*t-house door
And so does the reservoir... phwoooar!