VELMA Front step, cha-cha-cha, back step cha-cha-cha, side step, front step, back, and turn. TRACY Oh my god, Penny, there's Link, Link! I can't believe I'm really here auditioning! PENNY I can't believe I'm really here watching you audition! VELMA Front step, cha-cha-cha, back step cha-cha-cha, side step, front step, back, and, oh, Amber, look at this motley crew! AMBER Oh, mother not more ancient history! VELMA Oh, my God how times have changed, these girls must be blind, or completely deranged! But, times seem to halt since I won Miss Baltimore Crabs. Amber, that move is far too dirty! AMBER Mother, wake up from that dream of yours, this isn't 1930! VELMA You can laugh, but life's a test! Don't do this, don't do that! Remember, Mother knows best! And the crowns in the vault When I won Miss Baltimore Crabs AMBER With you perfect ammunition. VELMA Let me show you how you Mommy dear Took out the competition. Girls, go down, boys lets rumba! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 Those poor runner ups Might still hold some grudges They padded their cups But I screwed the judges! AH! Boys, put me down! Oh, good morning ladies, lets see what you got! COUNCIL MEMBERS Twist, twist, twist, twist, mashed potato, mambo VELMA On my show you'll never find a thrusting hip or bumping bind! AMBER What's that, a dance for fleas and ticks? VELMA Oh, you should have seen my bag of tricks! I hit the stage Batons ablaze While belting Aida and preparing SOUFFLÃ?S! With that triple somersault As I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs! DANCE BREAK! VELMA Proceed. AMBER Are you scared, we're on live? TRACY No, I'm sure I can cope. AMBER Well, this show isn't broadcast in COUNCIL GIRLS Cinemascope! VELMA I never drank one chocolate malt No deserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs! AMBER This one will never get a date in those hand-me-down clothes! VELMA Kid, she'll never get a date â??Til daddy buys her a noseI would say OI! guvilut if I wasn't miss Baltimore crabs AMBER Do you dance like you dress? LINK Amber, there's no need to be cruel VELMA Would you swim in an integrated pool? TRACY I sure would! I'm all for integration! It's the new frontier! VELMA Not in Baltimore, it isn't! And may I be frank 1st impressions can be tough And when I saw you I knew If your size wasn't enough Your last answer just blew it! And so my dear So short and stout You'll never be in So were kicking you out! With your form and your fate Oh, it isn't your fault! Just down with a case of ENSEMBLE Miss Baltimore VELMA Crabs! PENNY I think they secretly liked you! LIL INEZ May I please audition? VELMA Of course not But you can bow and exalt For I am miss Baltimore crabs! COUNCIL GIRLS Crabs, crabs, crabs