I love you like kings love queens
Like a gay geneticist loves designer jeans
I need you like New Orleans needs a drought

Like Hitler's father needed to learn to pull out

And I want you

Yeah, like a Lawyer/Mathematician wants some kind of proof
And I want you
Yeah, like JFK wanted a car with a roof


Because
Love is taking that dive, then getting really comfortable and peeing in the pool and

Love is a real life !@$^
Minus all the stuff that makes !@$^ cool and


Love is a homeless guy
Searching for treasure in the middle of the rain and
Finding a bag of gold coins and slowly finding out they're all filled with chocolate and

Even though he's heartbroken, he can't complain 'cause he was hungry in the first place

Because

I love you like Dora loves maps
Like the pope's toilet loves holy craps... (that's a little one)
I need you like a voyeur needs a branch

Like boys tossing salad needs a little bit of Neverland Ranch

And I want you

Yeah, like all the gothic kids that look exactly the same never want to conform
And I want you like Anne Frank wanted nobody to read her !#@*ING diary
'Cause a diary is a collection of secret things that no one's supposed to read; that's the whole point of a diary. Millions of people have breached this little girls privacy after she was chased by !#@$s... kick her while she's down


And if we met in 10,000 BC
I was your caveman, you's my cavelady

If we got hot, we'd start rubbing
If we got hungry, we'd go clubbing
There's woolly mammoths, but won't pretend

'Cause you're making me devolve into a homo-erectus, mother$#&@er

And if we met in 1780

I was a white, southern, aristocratic plantation owner and you were my dark-skinned servant lady... slave
Whenever I could get away from the Missus
I'd go to your shed, and then I'd steal you kisses

But let's be serious, I'd still work you full-time as a slave, there's a difference between romantic language and complete disregard for socio-economic trends

And if we met in 1941

I was a !#@$, you's a Gypsy on the run (that's a little redundant)
That... probably wouldn't have worked out...


Because...
Love is your favorite food for every breakfast, lunch, and dinner and
Love is the Holocaust, if you don't die quick, and you don't get thinner and

Love is being the owner of the company that makes rape whistles and
Even though you started with good intentions, trying to reduce the rate of rape
Now you don't want to reduce it at all; 'cause if the rape rate declines, you'll see an equal decline in whistle sales...

Without rapists, who's gonna buy your whistles?

Yeahhhh, love is all about... Whistles. Thank you.


[Talking to Audience]


That one was a bit vulgar, but ah, you know, dicks and ##&*%$s is sorta like !@&@e and Pepsi, you know? Ah, I strongly prefer one, but my Dad thinks they taste the same.